the screening.

every wednesday at 5pm, i go to a movie screening in the geology building for my RTF class. i usually sit where what i guess the theatre majors call stage right--but really my left, by myself with a frosty or leftover vitamin water or a pint of bluebell. i haven't exactly made a good enough friend who i can sit with consistently. everyone has their own group of people. i'm generally just there.

this week's screening was accompanied by a soft drizzle outside the auditorium doors. most everyone was in sweatpants or those awkward garbage bag things that keep you from getting wet. it was a lot colder than what we were all used to and i guess we didn't know how to handle it. i wore a black cape with grey roses in front and a black dress with my black bag and black umbrella. they say black is supposed to keep the heat in, but it didn't really do anything of the sort. at the very most, i looked decent. and most of the time, we sacrifice warmth for decency.

but i'm not taking a philosophy class, so please ignore the last three or so sentences. also, i'd had my first salted caramel latte that day. it was delicious. the last few sips are the best part.

at this particular screening, we watched sunset blvd, because in class we were covering italian neorealism and coming to the era of film noir. we've watched a lot of classic movies this semester, and i have to say they're nothing like i expected (citizen kane was kind of a downer, but the technology was great) but sunset blvd was so good (albeit dark) that i can successfully say it's one of my favourite movies. maybe the weather or the overall droopiness of the day had something to do with it. either way, i thought it was great.

i feel really bad now, though, because i'm not really here to talk about citizen kane or sunset blvd. or anything like that. i'm here because i think i've found out something very important. and i just so happen to have found that out after the screening of sunset.

i usually leave the auditorium after everyone regroups with their friends to talk about the movie. this week was no different. i walked into the hall, stopping to button my cape and adjust my purse and when i continued towards the door i caught part of a conversation these two girls were having near one of the artifact cases. i know there's something to be said about hearing things in context versus out of context, but i haven't gotten it out of my mind.

so she's like "i'm thinking 'you're sixteen years old! you don't know anything!'" and the other girl is like "ugh, i hate sixteen year olds" and i'm thinking "were you not just that age yourself? how can you say something like that about someone who's likely said the same thing about you?" and i realize this is where the disconnect between adults and adolescents begin. in college, the ideals and responsibilities of adulthood are thrust upon us (more by our peers than our professors), and we're suddenly expected to behave as though high school and everything before it is a distant memory, that this is it: this is where the journey ends--i am an adult now and everything i have waited for has somehow become insignificant. the freshmen are still so... fresh that they retain parts of who they were before they came here but somewhere along the line they lose it. they are subconsciously swallowing the idea that they are only 17 or 18 or 19, they who they are doesn't encompass every age they've been or every year they've been alive. does that make sense to you? maybe the reason why there is such a gap between adults and teens is in order to be accepted into a new society, you have to leave part of yourself behind. and as a freshman (and equally a sophomore), i don't want to do that. as a junior or a senior i don't want to do that. at any age during my life i don't want to be the person that looks down on others because it's not socially acceptable. i keep seeing people post and reblog the following: "be the person you needed when you were younger." how can you be the person you needed when somehow, you forget that person even exists?

i guess i'm saying no matter where you are in your life, whether you've graduated college or graduated kindergarten, remember who you are. 
don't ridicule that person now, don't ridicule them later. we always complain that people don't understand us. don't be the person people complain about.

-kiss kiss kiss, all you gotta do is say-


i don't even know myself at all, i thought i would be happy by now.

original photo

i do not know how to preface this, so i won't. this is for my secret series, for the girl who does not know how to get away from things.
sometimes you don't have to run. sometimes you have to take it step by step.
"I was clean for over a year, and everything was going great. I was beginning to understand Who I was and what made me that way, and I was really enjoying it. I felt like a new person. And then I woke up last Saturday and I knew something was wrong. I could feel it. It was back. I guess I should tell you what I mean by this: I was addicted to pornography for quite a long time. I don't remember how it happened, I just know that it did. Sometimes, I couldn't sleep at night because the urge was so strong. I couldn't look at people because I wondered what would happen if they found out and I swear I thought they would all hate me. People only talk about hypersexualized men and how their porn addictions are pretty much normal for them now, but they never mention that it can happen to girls, too. I think that was the worst part about it. That I was an outlier to the normal but I still felt so ashamed. I used to think I ruined myself for marriage and I kept promising myself I wouldn't do it anymore. But last week I heard something keep saying "you're going to do it before the end of the day. You will." I had lasted so long, and I even made a list of fun things that kept me occupied instead, but it didn't work. As you can guess, I watched porn again last Saturday. Every single thing I promised I wouldn't do. Afterward, I cried so hard. I wanted to die. And then I went to church the next morning. I just want to get as far away from last Saturday as possible, but I don't know how. This isn't how I wanted to say this, but I guess that's better than not saying anything, right? Please don't hate me too much."
a list of things to do instead of watching porn:
1. check the weather forecast for the next week. 
2. plan your outfits accordingly. 
3. do something you have done in a long time, like putting a bunch of random ingredients together and hoping they create a great meal.
4. think about how proud you are of yourself. 
5. watch something from your childhood, like the powerpuff girls or canadian dramas from the late 1980s. 
6. ask your friends what books they're reading and why you're missing out by not reading them. 
7. take all your old t-shirts out of your closet and youtube ways to restyle them.
8. or, create completely new ones instead. 
9. whatever you do, don't engage with the voice that tells you you will, you will watch porn before the day is out.
10. listen to me, i know how it feels to be on top of the world and then give into something that isn't good for you and hit rock bottom. because that is literally what it feels like and you wish you could take it back but all you can do is move forward. keep moving forward. count one day without watching porn and keep going in such a way that you allow yourself to count another one. and another. and another. and after awhile, allow yourself to forget.

because being on top of the world is so much better than being in it. and whatever you do, don't let the world be on top of you.
i love you. please don't hate yourself too much.

-kiss kiss kiss, gotta let it happen-
{pea ess: title via paramore's 'last hope' which is relevant as heq.}


the honeymoon is over.

i had my first two tests of college today, and you know, they weren't that bad. i'm just really tired, and my weekend is going to be nothing less than hectic. but in a good way. i have a paper to write that i'm not writing to write this. also. i dyed my hair green, and i really like it. i'm really liking who i'm shaping up to be. this didn't make any sense. i'm tired. i need to write my paper. goodnight.


sometimes, you and your siblings share quiet moments. this is one of them.

"jocee, i'm sad." but she says it with this awkward southern draw that makes it sound like 'sick' or something like that. after i decipher it to be the word 'sad,' i ask "why are you sad?" 
she says it's because these are the last few days she has of being eight. "i don't want to turn nine because that means i'll be closer to being a teenager. and i don't want to be a teenager." again: "why?" and she says "because then after that i'll have to be an adult. and i don't wanna be an adult. it's like everything is flying by so fast. first you go to elementary school, then middle school, then high school and then college! that's like four steps of school and then you have to leave home. i don't want to leave home. i want to stay in this house with mommy and daddy forever." and i told her that sometimes, i feel the same way. 

joy is turning nine on sunday and i actually don't think she wants to. 
college is going great, by the way. how are you? really?
-kiss kiss kiss, sanjay and craig-
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