i'm done now, let me go.

an angsty personal piece i did for my digital foundations in music class, it's short and to the point and explains what i want to say better than what i probably would've written out, i went to a great party today and i'm so tired and i want to shower and go to bed but i'm too tired to get up and i don't care anymore, i don't care if you see it because that is the reality and you need to know that it is not my fault. so. happy saturday, good night.

-kiss kiss kiss, think of the future-
{pea ess: to those who've been here since the beginning / have been hear near since the beginning, thank you so much. i got contacted this week from a sweet girl who's been reading for the longest time and her words were crazy encouraging, so i want to shout her out as well as any others who've done the same. y'all are crazy important. keep up the good work, i love you, i'm proud of you.}


i guess i'm doing youtube again.

so i'm making youtube videos again and i thought you should know. it seemed like the polite thing to do. 

-kiss kiss kiss, shangri las-


i love you so much. look at the title for a little bit and let that sink in. like chocolate melting on your tongue or pasta.

what to say, what to say... let's see. i did a birthday version of your song and it has some microphone problems and background noise but it's not like i'm good enough at digital audio to remove that and i wanted to give it do you sooner anyways so here you go; i was watching this youtube series called 'i love lucy and bekka' and OH MY GOD it almost exactly what we're going to be like when we live together; i was reading a lot of my old tweets for like zero reason and i realized how much love spilled out of from them and i love you, oh my God i love you so much and i am so so fricking proud of you and i love you and i could not have done any of this without you and thank you and God bless you and


what else is there to even say. you. it's all you. it is all you. and i love you. so much.

happy birthday, five (almost six) days late on here, but. it's a big deal. it really is.

your jo.


turning on the lights.

so, in retrospect, how would you say your year has been?
i wouldn't know.
and why's that?
i don't know. i've never been one to make end-of-the-year reviews and stuff like that. i mean i've tried, but it just never ends up working.
have you tried writing it down as you go?
i mean yeah, you have proof of that. but even so i don't find myself capable of summing things up. a lot of things have happened.
okay. so let's talk about the things that stand out to you.
sunday afternoon walks with her. crying at my graduation. buying a lot of semi-useless things that i enjoy. the train rides. the nap i had tuesday afternoon in the RTF building. when that boy stopped me and told me i looked really good. feeling really good. opening up my skin. and selfies, i guess.
are you sorry about any of those things?
i'm sorry for hurting myself. i'm sorry for seeing it as a way to deal with the onset of self-determined failure.
and how are you now?
i'm okay.
i'm okay.

sorry things have been so mellow and low and melancholy and quiet and dark around here lately. i promise to turn on the lights soon. this was written for my end-of-the-year review post that i never finished and thus never posted. but after reading it again, i think it ended nicely where it was. a lot of things happened last year that i don't remember, a lot happened that i do. and i can't summarize this year so far very well but i can tell you this: i said goodbye to someone i've known all my life last sunday. i cried a lot. we all did. it was hard and i'm going to miss her, but i know she'll be back and stronger than ever. i have to send her a letter soon. the next day, i slept over my friend's house who i've also known all my life. we stayed up past one and played rockband drum solos and pitch perfect and miss congeniality and the only drum solo i'm really good at is the final countdown. i would've made it to expert level but she didn't want to hear the song again so i'll have to play it when i go over there again. the next day, she and i and her siblings and our friends went to the rodeo. her sister bought me a wristband and i feel bad because she spent a lot of money on me but we had a lot of fun regardless. i rode quite a few rides. i screamed a lot. i laughed a lot. i ate a lot. but you know what? it was the first time in a really long time that i felt completely present. sometimes when i'm at church or at school or even at home, i don't feel like i'm completely there. i feel like some of me is missing, as though i'm halfway in a dream. but this time, i was all there. and it was so wonderful. i haven't felt this much nostalgia since i went to see la dispute with helayna last year (incidentally, that was a year ago today). the rest of this week felt weird. but i feel okay now. and i'm ready to go back to school. i guess there isn't really much of a point in me saying all this, i just wanted to. a lot of things are happening at the moment with school and life and friendships and stuff. but it's all okay. i have God on my side. 

-kiss kiss kiss, light jacket-
{pea ess: GUESS who's in a new tv show?! guess. it's peter pevensie. and i'm excited.}
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