sometimes i think about the things i do that make me fall short of the Glory of God. because i operate under a higher standard, and when i fail, that needs to be put to right. then, sometimes, i think about the things i do that make me fall short of the Glory of Jocelyn. because i also operate under an unattainable standard of beauty. and most of the time, i do not find myself worthy of that standard.

last week, i was in colorado at a youth leadership camp held by klemmer and associates. over 50 gigs of photo and video were taken during that week. of the few photos i saw of myself, i didn't find any of them worthy of my personal standard. there was always something wrong with how i looked. my hair, the size of my face, my weird smile. i didn't like it, sure, everyone else did, but that doesn't matter. because i didn't. colorado called for Jesus t-shirts and sweatpants and red tennis shoes and high ponytails, things that deviate from my 50s housewife lifestyle. and after seeing those pictures of myself looking like that, i was extremely disappointed. in myself. because i looked like that. so i came home, put on some makeup, and took selfies to make myself feel better.

real talk: i think, deep down, the reason i take selfies is because i can control the way i look. i don't like candids of myself because God forbid i might deem myself ugly. i don't take selfies solely because i'm "feeling myself," i take them so i can not only give other people permission to find me beautiful but so i can give myself permission as well. it's actually really funny: people can find you beautiful at all sorts of different times. when you're making stupid faces or doing an impression of someone else. but when you look at the documentation of those moments, you only find yourself worthy in a mere fraction of them. i wouldn't be surprised if you find your physical self beautiful less than other people do, because i do that. the thing is, we don't look the way we think we look. i was scrolling through pictures of one of my friends and i thought while they were pretty, they didn't look like that in real life. they didn't look like that when i was around them. i think we put on a sort of facade for ourselves so that we can think we're as beautiful as others say we are. you know how someone compliments you on something and you have to examine yourself to see if you were truly worthy of that comment? we do that thousands of times during the day. and i think these constant selfies, this constant "confidence" is my way of doing that. i'm giving you permission to find me beautiful. i'm giving me permission to find me beautiful. but it's not all of me. i have more expressions than this. this isn't my smile, it's the one i wear for the girl in the mirror. i don't know if that means i need someone to take more candids of me, but. i know it means i have to love myself in and out of the camera. i guess that's why it's so important for other people to see you. because sometimes, a lot of the time, all the time, they see more than you. and we need to see more in us.

-kiss kiss kiss, centuries-
{pea ess: colorado was amazing. the best week of my life, hands down. and i'm still processing all of it. 
but you can 85% count on a post about it. because it deserves its own post. anyway.}


things about my blog that i miss.

i just got back from spending a good week and a half at camp and since then i've been really bored. like listening to my music without headphones slouching in my chair bored. and for some reason, all these old things i used to like came to mind. like film photography and cool summer evenings and cupcakes. and i was like "omg whatever happened to cupcakes," like "cupcakes were half my passion for this blog" and "i really miss baking, i think i'll look up some cool cupcake recipes." so i came across my all time favourite cupcake site again, and i got really hungry. and a little sad. and i started listening to the music i was obsessed with in 2013, like a fine frenzy and whatnot. and i remembered how much i wanted to make cool lil short videos and how i used to read kinfolk and how i LOVED making food and wanted to be a bestselling author and things like that. but mostly, i missed cupcakes. eating them. seeing them in person, making them from scratch. i missed having that sort of creativity pulse through my veins as if that was all i lived for. so i went through all her blog posts from like now to 2013 and savoured every single picture. and i remembered my old self as though i never left. this is probably weird and creepy and probably doesn't make any sense, but. next week i'm going to see my grandparents for the 4th and i think i'm going to make cupcakes while i'm there. or at least a cake. maybe this post is more about things about myself that i miss rather than things about my blog, but i should make more of an effort to bring these things back. because not everything deserves to die, right?

- kiss kiss kiss, vocalise -
{pea ess: all pictures from her site, duh.}
{pea pea ess: to the girl who sent me an email with two secrets that she turned into four wayy back in 2013, you're next.
i haven't forgotten about you. i love you. i'm sorry. you're next.}



just a small post to remind you all that i have a face and i'm using it to put videos on the internet. 
here are the latest four since i've fallen a little behind.
alright, you can carry on now.
-kiss kiss kiss, introspective beat-


i remember that day as a grey haze.

we are sitting on the green sofas that are basically the staples of the school... all the students will tell you "take a nap in the music building! some of the most comfortable couches you've ever slept on." and we're complaining. about the class, about how it was taught, about the information gap that ate at everyone's psyches. it's the last day, actually. this is the only thing that is keeping me from the freedom of summer, from the paramore concert, from everything. i don't want to do it, none of us do. but we have to.
"it's 1:57. i'm going in." i loosely organize my notes, grab my backpack and head down the ramp to the classroom.
"okay, i'll catch up with you in a minute." you don't look up from your notes.

inside, everyone is scrambling with their last-minute preparations -- things they didn't quite understand are being fed into their brain as if they hadn't eaten in weeks. when the teacher finally says that it's time, you've come in and placed your water bottle on the desk next to mine. i am the first in our column so he hands me a few tests to pass back. i look at it briefly before handing you yours and i breathe out a soft "oh my God," knowing i should've studied differently. i write my name down (that's always the easiest part), and extract all the information that's been sitting in my mind for the extent of the semester. i miss a lot of things, though i'm not exactly sure how much. i just know now that it was good enough.

i've only made a few friends during this class. one of which shares my major, so i see her at least three times a week. you and i, however, only speak for the first time when you are out of pencils and i am your convenient supplier. the second time is when time is when we both have a final project to finish. i remember that day as grey haze, with walk the moon's new album playing in the background. afterward, i wish we'd met sooner, because if we did, the class might've been more fun. it might've even been something to look forward to.

we are a little ways into the test. she (my other friend) has already left. i don't remember her saying goodbye, but i think she did. there aren't many of us left in the room now, and it's bordering on three o clock. we have three hours to take this test, and i just want to get out of here as soon as possible. i'm not sure how much more i have to complete when i see you get up. and i have to say i'm kind of sad, because this is it. there is nothing after this. you smile at me, packing everything away. i look up and smile back, sans teeth, as if to say "i'm too tired for this." you seem to understand.
"good luck," you whisper.

i don't watch as you leave because i need to get this done. this is the only thing that is keeping me from the freedom of summer, from the paramore concert, from everything. i never wanted to be here. i never wanted to take this test. but you made it better. you did something.

- kiss kiss kiss, i can feel the cold changing us -
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