i remember trying not to cry for the entire week and i remember thinking "just let it come so i can get through it." at 7:47 last night, i started getting hollow. that is, i started remembering everything that i made myself forget over the past year. the Christmas lights, the the long texts, the car ride home and the subway we passed, the semi-secretive conversations, the disappointment and the apatheticism. i kept dipping my hands in hot candle wax and listening to loud music, and i don't know what i was trying to prove but i do know that i was scared.
last year on this day, i sat down on a swinging bench and wrote stories about beaches and birds. last year on this day, i ate too many ice cream puffs and took several pictures of Christmas lights. last year on this day, i thought that i would get over it soon enough. last year on this day, i failed, and my best friend and i let go.
before i went to bed (which was at about one o clock in the morning), i asked God to at least let the sun come out. we've got below freezing forecasts and no snow and it's not even pleasant anymore. i don't know if it ever was. so i woke up, and it was cloudy as ever. and i chalked my hair in streaks, put on my only ear cuff and the dress that my mother wore when she renewed her vows ten years ago (i was the flower girl). i was completely red, save for my platform heels (black). i wanted to prove a point but i didn't know what it was.
so i got to church wondering when helayna would arrive, and we talked about personalities in sunday school and i tolerated less-than-approving responses to my new 'do, and when she came in with her little sister at her heels i guess the sun started to come out. she was wearing green skinnies that made us look like Christmas and she poked me hello and she knew. and we giggled too much and talked about food afterward and complained about physics homework that i don't have to deal with.
and then something happened. i don't think the english language would do me any good in describing what it feels like for the hollow to fill out itself. i thought i dived into today as if i were getting back in the pool for the first time in two years and i didn't know if i was going to climb out or have to be resuscitated. and by the time church was over and we all filed our way into the break room, the sun decided to make the cars shine. and even moreso when i announced to my parents in the car "i'm going to take selfies."
i guess i wore the red because last night my fingerprints were being scanned by wax and sometimes i fancy the idea of becoming a human candle. i don't fancy lighting myself on fire but when i blew it out the wick let a few "embers" glow red in defiance. i guess my red is the fire in saying "hey. i'm alive."
i know i lost her last year on this day but i didn't lose her today. and i listened to a lot of music and decided to do a simple recording of a Christmas song by sleeping at last. and it's relevant because it's cold outside and it's relevant because, audrey, i think it's time to let go. i can't hate the number eight forever. and nothing's the same but i can't just seem to stop loving people, so. there's that.
today i planned on telling this to helayna when she came inside: "today is the last day you're going to see me as a sixteen year old and i wanted to look beautiful." but that's not true anymore because i'm probably going to see her on tuesday. all the same i think i look nice, and i think it's time to let go of the fact that just because today sucked last year, it doesn't have to suck this time around.